Lord Voldemort May Appear in Star Wars Episode 9¾

voldslider

An industry insider claims an upcoming Star Wars installment could have a surprise guest from an altogether different story: Lord Voldemort.

London, England – Fans of Star Wars and Harry Potter are, in many cases, one and the same. Indeed, a Venn diagram depicting the two fandoms might be remarkably similar to a single circle. While there are some hold-outs – notably old Star Wars grognards who just want the children of the Harry Potter generation (who really are not children any longer) to get off their collective lawns – people who enjoy a story of swashbuckling lightsaber duels and blaster fire are likely to appreciate a romp through a magical England.

“Both Disney and Warner Bros. are counting on that fact,” said an insider source who wished to remained unnamed.

What is he talking about? The source, who we’ll call Mr. Jones, claims that Warner Bros., who owns the movie rights to the Harry Potter franchise, and Disney, who recently bought Lucasfilm (and with it the Star Wars property) for an estimated four billion dollars, are in talks to bring an infamous Harry Potter character to a galaxy far, far away. Which one?

“Voldemort is the obvious choice,” Mr. Jones said.

If the news is legitimate, his reasoning seems sound enough. After all, there are no small number of similarities between the Harry Potter villain and the bad guys who lead the Empire and the First Order. Voldemort, for instance, is called a Dark Lord, as are masters of the dark side of the Force, the Dark Lords of the Sith. He Who Must Not Be Named once used a more banal moniker (Tom Riddle) as did Darth Vader (Anakin Skywalker) and Kylo Ren (Ben Solo). Voldemort uses magic to throw lightning at his foes. Some of his Star Wars counterparts – Darth Sidious and Darth Tyranus – use the Force (which is sometimes considered magic) to rain lightning down on their enemies.

“Even the word Sith sounds like Parseltongue,” insisted Mr. Jones.

Parseltongue, for the uninitiated, is the language of serpents, serpentine creatures, and those who can speak to them in the Harry Potter universe. On that count, noted linguist and Knozzle correspondent Alexander Magpie agrees, informing us that a word made up of a single S sound, punctuated by a TH, with only a short I in the middle does sound like it might be spoken by a snake.

“Seriously. Say it out loud,” Mr. Jones persists. “Sith. Siiiith!”

While Voldemort seems the obvious choice, Mr. Jones agrees that other Harry Potter characters might be part of the crossover instead. Professor Tralawney, for instance, could be a Force mystic rather than an astrologer. Perhaps Peeves is the remnant ghost of a former Jedi who lost his mind in a battle between the light side and the dark side. He remains firm, however, that the serpent-faced bad guy is a shoe-in for the story, possibly as Supreme Leader Snoke’s replacement in the next trilogy.

“Why else would they bandy about names like Star Wars Episode 9¾ with subtitles like The Prisoner of Belsavis or The Half-Blood Sith?” he asked.

Why indeed.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.