Presidential Candidate May Be Alien, Researcher Claims

thedonald

While millions of Americans prepare to vote for Donald Trump, one man believes the presidential candidate may indeed be an extra-terrestrial.

New York City, New York – It cannot be denied that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is different from other White House hopefuls. Financially beholden to none, the self-proclaimed “self-made billionaire” represents a kind of hybrid entrepreneurial-political animal the likes of which nobody could predict. His followers are ardent, even fierce, and his detractors are staunch and full of vitriol.

Love him or hate him, however, Trump is changing the landscape of American politics. Dr. Bob Huxton, an independent researcher with an eclectic resume that includes stints with groups as divergent as SETI (the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) and Chuck E. Cheese, believes he knows what is behind the real estate mogul’s polarizing presence.

“Aliens.”

Huxton says it deadpan, without a hint of humor in his voice. His theory is simple. Certain people rise to success not because they are so well liked, but because they generate a “personality aura” capable of rewriting the programming in the minds of human beings.

“Look at Steve Jobs,” he said during a recent phone call. “People either flocked to him or scoffed at him, but hardly anyone was in the middle.” Jobs’ reality distortion field is indeed a well-known and documented fact, one mentioned nearly every time his marketing of Apple’s products was reported.

“Steve used his ability to infect his followers with an information virus. That’s why Apple was so successful during his latter years with them, and why their success is waning now.”

He claims Trump has capability of creating a similar aura, and that the former host of The Apprentice may indeed be more powerful than Apple’s deceased CEO, but lacking in some of Jobs’ finesse. Still, Trump seems to have gotten the hang of this power, if recent polls are to be believed. How else could the meteoric rise of such an outsider to the political arena be explained?

“It’s because he’s more alien than Jobs,” Huxton insisted. Jobs, he claims, was three quarters human, with only one quarter genetically extra-terrestrial.

“Flip the numbers for Trump.”

It is unclear whether Huxton believes people like Trump and Jobs possessed true alien ancestory or if they were genetically modified, but there is more evidence that the general principle behind the scientist’s theory is correct, he assures us.

“The presidential candidate’s orange-tinted skin and sentient toupee are both unmistakable signs of the billionaire’s alien genetic code,” he said. “The toupee in particular is a symbiotic creature capable of magnifying Trump’s aura through subtle movements of its individual threads.”

“It also hides his antennae.”

The irony is delicious, of course. Many believe Trump regards illegal aliens – what the left calls “undocumented immigrants” – with disdain, while others allege he has a deep-seated hatred of American minorities in general. How interesting would it be to discover Donald J. Trump is the true alien?

We reached out to other experts, including Giorgio Tsoukalos (who produces History Channel’s Ancient Aliens), author Alan Dean Foster, and alien hunter and abduction specialist Derrel Sims, but received no response, other than a quick note from Jodie Foster, who starred in Contact. Unfortunately, her message was penned in an unintelligible mish-mash of Aurebesh, Klingon, and Zentradi, which nobody seemed too intent on translating.


Also available in audio format by Knozzle correspondent Geoffrey Willowtit.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist
Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal's Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like "sesquipedalian".

Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle. When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal's Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like "sesquipedalian".