Girl Composes Guitar Ballad for Unappreciative Comatose Boyfriend

Guitar Girl

A Haysville, Kansas girl is inconsolable after her comatose boyfriend has an adverse reaction to the guitar ballad she wrote especially for him.

Haysville, Kansas – A girl from the Wichita suburb of Haysville is inconsolable after her boyfriend, a Wesley Medical Center patient who recently succumbed to a brain-eating virus after fighting for his life for three years, regained consciousness.

“He slipped into a coma last September,” Shelly Maycomb, 17, said, speaking of her boyfriend, Bobby Newall. “He was so strong, but he just couldn’t fight forever.”

Shelly shared in Newall’s fight for the entirety of his struggle. They began dating while attending middle school together, and have been described by other students as “too cute” and “the perfect couple.”

“She held fundraisers to help raise money for Bobby,” said one fellow Haysville High senior. “I mean, she’d do concerts and everything.”

Indeed Maycomb, an accomplished folk guitarist in spite of her youth, often playing at local coffeehouses and eateries. Singing mostly old Carpenters tunes, she spent countless hours strumming her six-string for tips, raising tens of dollars to help pay for Newall’s medical expenses.

Her most notable accomplishment, however, was a song inspired by Bobby Newall’s love of doughnuts, a sweeping guitar ballad titled You Make Me Hole, which she debuted at one of her boyfriend’s favorite places, a confectionery known as The Donut Whole. After a pittance of applause she interpreted as approval, Maycomb upload the tune to Apple’s music service so the world could hear how much she loves Bobby.

You make me hole
I’m just a doughnut without you
You make me hole
A jelly Bismark, frosted too

“You always hear stories,” Maycomb said, “where someone is in a coma and their significant other writes them a song and sings it and then they live happily ever after.”

Reality, however, was not so kind of Shelly Maycomb. In February, she sang her song to Newall. During the second chorus, he woke. To Shelly’s horror, however, Bobby scowled and asked for everyone but his mother to clear the room.

“He asked for my iPhone,” recalls Nancy Newall, Bobby’s mom. “I gave it to him and he used it to post a review of her song on iTunes.”

After a brief pause, she concludes with three words: “It wasn’t pretty.”

Bobby Newall and Shelly Maycomb are, by all accounts, still a couple. Both of their Facebook pages, however, have their relationship status set to “It’s complicated.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.