Was Time Travel Responsible for Website Downtime?

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In August of 2015, a team of writers and editors from Knozzle, a news satire site of little to no renown, disappeared. Was time travel responsible?

Wichita, Kansas – On a sultry (but not especially hot) Wednesday afternoon nearing the middle of August 2015, a number of writers and editorial staff vanished from the Wichita, Kansas offices of Knozzle, a news satire site of little to no renown. Few knew of their disappearance, though tens of people – possibly as many as thirty or more – found themselves bereft of their daily dose of moderately chuckle-worthy humor.

Simon Hawk, Joey the Finch, Andromeda Kiskadee, Matilda Goose, and Melvin Kingfisher simply disappeared around three o’clock on Wednesday, August 12, 2015, leaving half-full mugs of coffee, half-completed stories, and no explanation as to where they went.

Until now.

The team returned on Saturday, reappearing in the news site’s office bearing interesting, if unconventional, tale. Simon Hawk, whose title with Knozzle is the intentionally misleading “Chief Diversionist”, claims the five staff members never actually left the office in twenty fifteen. They just happened to leave twenty fifteen.

“Time travel,” interjected Joey the Finch. “Effin’ time travel. Who knew?”

Apparently nobody knew, not even the staff at Knozzle. The explanation seems more then a little implausible. Despite the site’s expose on Apple’s time-bending, TARDIS-summoning watch last year, proof of the existence of time travel has yet to be verified. Still, with many of today’s top theoretical physicists admitting that our reality may simply be a simulation run by a greater being, anything at all appears to be possible. Time travel could very well be implemented in the base code of what we see as reality without us ever really knowing.

None of the staff members have yet stated exactly how their time travel experience occurred – whether by phone booth, police box, wristwatch, or hot tub – but it seems clear they all believe it actually happened.

Some staff members had little to say about the event. Melvin Kingfisher spent most of the interview grousing about missing months of fishing and countless weekends of checkers at the local park, while Matilda Goose, the site’s editor, followed Joey the Finch about, correcting his grammar.

Andromeda Kiskadee, however, gushed. “I saw it coming, deers and doves, of course I did. But it was so exciting. Quite an adventure! Besides, the week seems so much better now that Tuesday comes before Wednesday, wouldn’t you agree?”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.