Etsy Bans Sale of Spells; Witches Retaliate With Curse

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Crafting giant Etsy has banned the sale of spells and other metaphysical objects on their site, but witches are responding with a wicked curse!

Salem, Massachusetts – You can buy thousands chachkis, knick knacks, odds, ends, thingamajiggers, and doohickeys on Etsy.com. But as of June of this year, there is one thing you can no longer buy. In a surprise move, the online outlet of handcrafted items has banned the sale of “any metaphysical services that promises or suggests “it will effect a physical change (e.g., weight loss) or other outcome (e.g., love, revenge) is not allowed, even if it delivers a tangible item.”

That’s right. Sellers of spells, hexes, potions, philters, elixirs, and poultices of the mystical nature are no longer allowed on Etsy.

While some practitioners of the mystical arts have taken this in stride, others have gone public with their frustration, citing religious discrimination as the reason for the change in the website’s policy.

“It’s a literal witch hunt,” claimed Lucinda Toil. Toil, who has run a successful shop selling candles, crystals, and other metaphysical objects, received a recent communication from Etsy letting her know that, due to the updated terms of service, her online store had been closed. “Next thing you know, they’ll be burning us at the stake!”

One Twitter user made a helpful suggestion, asking, “Can’t someone just cast a spell and work these things out?” Many in the mystical world have asked themselves this very question. As spell-casters, can they effect some sort of response to either change Etsy’s policy, or at least get the crafting giant’s attention?

To that end, Toil and other mystics have banded together, creating a circle of conjurers large enough and capable enough to do something about the situation.

“The Wild Hunt,” Lucinda said simply. “We’re going to form a Sabbat and cast a nasty curse, summoning the Wild Hunt. Then we’ll just sit back and let the furious spirits take care of Etsy.”

Just what is the Wild Hunt?

According to Wikipedia, the Wild Hunt is “an ancient folk myth prevalent across Northern, Western and Central Europe. The fundamental premise in all instances is the same: a phantasmal, spectral group of huntsmen with the accouterments of hunting, with horses and hounds in mad pursuit across the skies or along the ground, or just above it.” The purpose of the Hunt varies from depending on which myth or legend is being read, but many rumors throughout history have connected it to a Witches’ Sabbat, when mystics have summoned up the Hunt to do their dirty work.

Think of it as a sort of supernatural hit squad.

For the most part, the folks at Etsy have taken this all in stride, even joking that the Erlking, often seen in folklore as the leader of the Wild Hunt, is welcome to start his own store on their site.

Mitch Torres, spokesman for Etsy, offered some clarification. “He can set up a store as long as he’s willing to follow our terms of service,” he said. “No mystical artifacts.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.