CDC Doctors Discover Deadliest Medical Condition Ever

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Doctors at the Center for Disease Control appear to have found the deadliest medical condition ever, and are unsure how to tackle the challenges it creates.

Atlanta, Georgia – Doctors at the Center for Disease Control in the heart of Georgia have been warning us of all sorts of diseases, conditions, viruses, and bacteria for decades now, but recent studies among their most august researches may have uncovered the deadliest medical condition ever.

“It is absolutely degenerative,” claimed Dr. Hugo Rash, the CDC’s top epidemiologist. “The well-being of everyone who contracts this condition eventually begins to deteriorate.”

To make matters worse, it could be the most widely spread medical condition in the history of humankind.

“We’ve suspected the truth for a while now,” Dr. Rash said. “All the diseases, viruses, and health problems we’ve been warning against for years are all part of a bigger picture, a health condition everyone has.”

This may be starting to sound familiar for fans of AMC’s The Walking Dead. In the critically acclaimed zombie serial, the CDC has discovered everyone carries the virus to turn them into the undead upon death. But in this real-world case, a zombie plague isn’t the deadliest medical condition.

“It’s simple,” Dr. Rash said with a sigh. “The deadliest medical condition ever is existing.”

The CDC seems to be a bit flummoxed by the realization, and has thus far been incapable of taking even the most insignificant steps toward a rational cure. In truth, this case seems to be one where the obvious cure is worse than the condition, as the sole poultice for the problem of existing is to cease to exist. Death is, after all, the only “cure”, if the problem is life.

“It’s put us in a bit of a bind,” Dr. Rash admitted. “Our mandate is to find a cure to every possible disease or condition, but if all such conditions are simply extensions of living, then we’re pretty well screwed.”

Activists from a extreme militant feminist group known only as The Kevorkiennes agree. “You don’t have to live with this condition,” said a Kevorkienne lieutenant who refused to give us her name. “It’s your body, and nobody can tell you what to do with it. If you don’t want to exist, you don’t have to!”

Perhaps nobody has yet pointed out the irony of their own continued existence.

All is not lost, however. A public action group calling themselves Smell the Roses followed the CDC announcement with a press release of their own. In it, they detail all the ways individuals who exist can remain valuable and members of society, all while enjoying their final days on Earth – no matter how many they might have left. Some of their suggestions include doing your work with all your heart and soul, sharing a pizza with a friend, adopting a puppy from the local humane society, and giving blood.

“There’s no reason you have to give up,” said Smell the Roses founder Jessica Annapolis. “Just because you exist doesn’t mean your time is through.”

The best thing you can do, Jessica suggests, is found in their organization’s name: stop and smell the roses.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.