Microsoft To Kill Off Internet Explorer, Angering Tens of Users

explorerheader

Microsoft is about to release both Windows 10 and their new browser, Edge. But tens of users are disappointed that the company will kill off Internet Explorer.

For twenty years, Microsoft has promoted Internet Explorer in all its incarnations as their solution to web browsing. The earliest iteration of the software appeared in the mid-90s, a reworked version of Mosaic Spyglass, and shipped with Windows 95. Later editions even served as a foundation for newer versions of Windows.

Now, after twenty years of struggles against Netscape Navigator, Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, Apple Safari, and a host of others, Microsoft is finally going to kill off Internet Explorer.

“Not cool,” said Marvin Handerpants, a forty three year old man who lives with his mother, Mildred. “My mom doesn’t know how to use anything else. I tried to get her to use Chrome, but she kept complaining about Greasers or something.”

Nearly half a dozen fans of the browser gathered in Redmond, Washington on Monday to protest the change, waving signs with slogans like, “HOW ELSE WILL WE EXPLORE THE INTERNET” and “I DON’T SURF WITH CUDDLY RED PANDAS!” Police were called to disperse the crowd which, with only one exception, did not turn violent. (The one exception? A teenage “Juggalette” who threw eggs at authorities when they approached, who later admitted she only went to the protest because she was told Insane Clown Posse would be providing music.)

Proponents of Microsoft’s web solution claim switching to a different browser means learning something brand new. Since Internet Explorer’s user demographics largely include people age 70 and up, deciphering the ins and outs of Chrome or Firefox might be more work than it’s worth. It could mean as many as eight or nine people worldwide simply ceasing to exist online.

“How am I going to post inspiring stories to my Facebook page?” asked septuagenarian Zelda Roosevelt. “And all those pictures of cute kittens? My friends need to see the cute kittens!”

Even Microsoft’s own replacement for Explorer has struck a sour note with fans of the Big Blue E. Microsoft Edge, their next-generation browser, isn’t yet available, and the Redmond corporation has already received no less than seven complaints sent to the company’s support email. More than one person even threatened to switch to Mac computers “or even Linus and his security blanket”.

The software giant seems unconcerned, insisting that progress must march on, even if it means losing customers.

“Besides,” said MS public relations specialist Michael Zamboni, “when you’ve monopolized a market, you can give the customers anything you want, and unless they’re savvy enough to download something better, they have no choice but to use it.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.