Condoleezza Rice Voted Top Mardi Gras Dish

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Nobody expected it to happen, because it simply shouldn’t have, but Condoleezza Rice has won the top award for food at Mardi Gras this year.

New Orleans, Louisiana – Every spring, tens of thousands of people visit New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Every year, those visitors take part in the culture and cuisine of The Big Easy. From classy restaurants to food stands, street food to more elevated fare, tourists and locals alike eat countless tons of helpings of jambalaya, gumbo, and crawfish etouffee.

And every year, these would-be foodies get the chance to vote on the best dish.

“It’s something we do every year,” said Bill Grover of the Louisiana Restaurant Association. “This year, something went a little haywire, though. Nobody expected this one to be the winning dish. In fact, we’ve been so flummoxed by this, we’ve put off publishing the results for nearly two months.”

Why? Because the dish doesn’t exist. The top dish among Mardi Gras attendees this year? Condoleezza Rice.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” Grover continued. “Some joker must have sneaked her name onto the ballot. We certainly meant no disrespect for Ms. Rice.”

It may have been an elaborate prank, but the LRA has decided to publish the vote as it stands. Condoleezza Rice not only won the honor of top dish for this year’s Mardi Gras, it received more votes than any dish for the last seven years. That is quite a feat for a plate of food that doesn’t even exist.

Rice remains unavailable for comment on the issue, but a source near her claims she’s taking it with an upbeat sense of humor. “Condi’s no spring chicken,” the anonymous source said. “To be called a dish at age sixty… back in her heyday, being called a dish was a good thing.”

One restaurant, a local shop known for serving foods named after famous people, has decided to put Condoleezza Rice on the menu. Known for such classics as Kennedy bean soup and Lennon meringue pie, Nom d’Yum hopes to capitalize on their new offering.

“We toast long-grain brown rice with a mix of herbs and spices that give it an an earthy bouquet and an upwardly mobile degree of sophistication,” promised Chef Erno Jaliska. “We make sure to add a little heat, since you know Condi’s got the cha-cha-cha.”

Brown rice, as opposed to white. Is that a racial statement?

“No,” the chef claimed. “It’s a healthy one.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.