Philosophers Disprove the Existence of Bill Nye

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The philosophers at conservative think tank Right Thoughts constructed an argument disproving the existence of Bill Nye. Is anyone safe from deep thinkers?

Denver, Colorado – The divide between philosophy and science is an old one. Debates have long been held between men of reason and men of reasoning over issues ranging from gravity and the shape of the Earth to the very creation of our universe. Some scientists, like Bill Nye (former host of the hit PBS show Bill Nye the Science Guy), believe their evidences disprove the very existence of God.

Last weekend, however, something astounding happened.

“It wasn’t intentional, to be sure,” said philosopher Ted Danvers. “We were just playing around with some philosophical rationalizations, and realized what we had done. Pretty much everyone here is astounded.”

Here happens to be conservative think tank Right Thoughts, and what they managed to do, while fiddling with the vagaries of philosophical argumentative structures, was disprove the existence of Bill Nye.

“If we could take it back, we would,” Danvers said.

But why? Why would they take an argument so powerful back? Because in disproving Mr. Nye, the brains at Right Thoughts caused him to cease to be. Witnesses claim Bill, an avid Frisbee golfer, was at his weekly visit to the course when he simply winked out of existence. Friends who were playing the course with the former television star claim there was an audible POP! before he vanished. Soon, even memories of the man began to fade.

“I’m sorry, who were we talking about?” asked one friend, who asked not to be named.

Danvers isn’t quite sure why he and his crew are still able to remember Bill Nye. “It probably has something to do with the fact that we constructed the argument to begin with. In order for the argument to remain cogent, someone must be able to make it. If nobody can say ‘Bill Nye doesn’t exist’, he would again. It’s a bit of a logical paradox.”

Logical paradox or not, it seems such a power – the ability to construct an argument so logically sound that it can literally cause someone to cease to exist – could be weaponized and abused with drastic results. Danvers agrees, which is why he hasn’t shared the argument’s structure with anyone within the press.

He feels awful about what happened to Nye, but when asked about constructing an argument with the opposite effect, he shook his head. “You can’t just undo such a thing. It would be a double paradox, which could have catastrophic implications for our universe.”

Catastrophic implications?

“Like Bill Nye’s imminent return,” he said.

Catastrophic indeed.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.