Breaking News: Government Storing Saved Daylight

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The United States government appears to be storing saved daylight in the Cheyenne Mountain complex. What is this saved daylight for?

Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado – Spring forward. Fall back. People across the country do it every year – move the clocks forward an hour in the spring, move them back an hour in the autumn.

They call it Daylight Savings Time, but nobody really believed daylight was being saved.

At least not until now.

“They’ve been gathering daylight for nearly four decades,” a government employee claimed in a recent interview. The whistleblower, who only identified himself as Mr. Gallifrey, said the Department of Defense, working in conjunction with the Department of Energy and the Air Force, has been using the Cheyenne Mountain Complex as a storage facility for saved daylight.

“There are these huge warehouses under the facility just packed with batteries for storing converted daylight.”

But the government isn’t storing solar energy in these batteries. Gallifrey believes they are actually storing daylight – a little slice of each day from the first Sunday of March to the first Sunday of November – under the NORAD station. In layman’s terms, he claims the process of springing forward and falling back causes a temporal shift, allowing for actual daylight to be siphoned away and stored for future use.

“It’s not just saved daylight,” he Gallifrey said. “It’s saved daylight time.”

The U.S. government is saving time itself. Time enhanced by daylight.

There isn’t a lot of public evidence, at least not yet, but Mr. Gallifrey is working with a team of journalists and lawyers to present the proof to the American people soon. His claims, however, seem to be supported by the recent creation of the U.S. Department of Time. The administration has been reticent about sharing the purpose of this new organization, but the name is a bit telling. What is the scope of this new Department of Time, and what are their intentions?

The answer is unclear, but Sal Goldberg, a constitutional attorney, says they government may not be doing anything illegal.

“There’s nothing illegal about storing daylight,” Goldberg said in a phone interview. “As long as the new Department of Time was created by Congress and under congressional oversight, there’s nothing in the law forbidding them from taking advantage of a small tear in the space-time continuum.”

As for their intentions, there are a thousand uses for saved daylight time. Some of them, like giving patients with life-threatening injuries and conditions more time to live are benevolent. Others are far more nefarious.

“Too little daylight time can kill crops, but so can too much,” Mr. Gallifrey said. “And imagine if they found a way to intensify that daylight time. Imagine eight hours of sunlit time compressed into ten seconds. It could potentially be more destructive than a nuke! Worse yet, what if they found a way to reverse time, and we all end up back in the 1970s? Bell bottoms and corduroy? The Bee Gees?!”

“No government should have that much power.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.