Welcome to the Age of Horoscopes! As soon as Andromeda can get past her anger at Joey the Finch, she’ll give you an Avengers-class fortune!
Hello, darlings! After two long weeks I am back where I belong. Family is fine, and vacation is great, but after leaving my column to Philistine Finch, well, I doubt I’ll ever want to leave again. Can you believe the things he wrote? As if he has the sight! What was I thinking, putting him in charge? Why I could throttle him. Just throttle him. All that mafioso bravado will do him no good when I get my hands on him!
Oh, my ducklings, you don’t need to hear me rant on so. Allow me a moment, if you will, to catch my breath, and we’ll move on to better things.
There. Much better. So much better indeed, dears. Now that I am calm and relaxed, let’s see about your weekly horoscope, shall we? We shall! This week, in honor of the upcoming Avengers: Age of Ultron, we will be sharing horoscopes based on your favorite Avenger! Oh, yes, my little starlings, welcome to the Age of Horoscopes!
(We’ll stick to the main six from the first movie, ’cause darling, I haven’t had time to get to know all the others yet. You didn’t think I actually read comic books, did you dear heart?)
Oh, me oh my, am I with you there, sugar! All those rippling muscles, that boyish smile, and the 1950s charm? But I digress! Your destiny is to save the world! Unfortunately in doing so you will end up cryogenically frozen for fifty years. When you’re thawed out, you will know nobody, and nobody will know you, but you’ll sure do well on the talk show circuit! If only you had super strength and a vibranium shield. Then again, you’d look awful in tights.
Much like your hero, Tony Stark, you are destined to be encased in a metal suit. The rest of the story sounds like a fantastical tale, as well, only not of the most comfortable sort. You’re going to step into a time vortex, launching yourself backward a thousand years! Sadly, the people of that time period will assume you’re a witch (and you didn’t even choose Scarlet Witch!), locking you up in a dungeon. I have two words for you: iron maiden. And I don’t mean the metal band, sugar, so you might want to run to the hills.
It’s the hair, right? It has to be the hair. Some people are just drawn to golden locks like those of a Norse god. Speaking of locks, that’s what awaits you when you cause a twelve-car pile-up downtown by standing in the middle of a busy intersection waving a Stanley hammer in the air and demanding Heimdall send down the Bifrost. Locks on handcuffs. Locks on doors. The police will come, and so will the guys in little white suits. Soon you’ll have a nice, comfortably-padded room where you can wait until the arrival of Ragnarok.
Hawkeye? Oh dear me, he’s not really an Avenger, is he? I mean, come on. Even Black Widow has the superpower of secretly being Scarlett Johansson. Speaking of which…
Oh, you dream of being hot and kicking serious buttocks? Have I got a great fortune for you! You’ll soon find yourself in the erstwhile home of Natasha Romanoff – the former Soviet Union! Specifically, you’ll be offered a government job in a small Middle Eastern nation. Accept it and you’ll travel to Tajikistan, an arid country, where you’ll be put to work massaging the backsides of old bureaucrats with your feet. That’s like kicking, isn’t it? Good enough for government work!
You need to curb your temper, ’cause nobody likes you when you’re angry, duckling. Of course, your therapist already told you to take up a hobby, but who in their right mind seeks out active sources of gamma radiation as a hobby? You, apparently, in some strange future. Let me clue you in, sweetie, it isn’t going to make you big, strong, and green. It’s just going to give you radiation poisoning. Then again, there’s something to be said for being able to power a lightbulb in your mouth, Uncle Fester-style.
And that’s all for this week, sugarbears! I’ll be back again in just seven days for more predictive wordplay! Until then, I remain…
P.S.: You there. You know who you are. I know you wanted a Spider-Man horoscope, but spiders are just ooey-gooey, and absolutely not my thing. Sorry!