Hillary’s Secret Life as a Gamer Revealed

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Hillary Clinton presents herself as staunch and business-like, but she may be hiding a secret life as a gamer from all of us.

Chappaqua, New York – Dozens of video games, from Super Mario Brothers to Max Payne, have been made into feature films, and more – like Halo and Warcraft – are on the horizon. Other novels and films, like the upcoming Adam Sandler vehicle Pixels and the Ernest Cline novel (and soon to be Spielberg movie) Ready Player One, remind us just how ingrained digital gaming is in our collective psyche.

Pixels and polygons are almost everywhere. Phones. Computers. Televisions. Even ATMs and digital gas pumps have been hacked to play text-based games like Zork and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Video games are a ubiquitous aspect of Western culture, one intimately tied to our identity.

A car in every garage and a PlayStation in every living room.

Even the White House?

Perhaps. A recent photo uncovered at the Library of Congress shows presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton playing a Game Boy – the classic, iconic handheld released by Nintendo in 1989 – on a 1993 flight from Arkansas to Washington, D.C. After the initial shock at finding the usually starched former first lady playing a video game, some began to dig further.

Is Hillary Clinton a secret gamer? The evidence might surprise you.

“I first met her online when we were playing Halo 2,” said a young man who identified himself by his Xbox Live handle, IntuitiveSloth33. “She went by the name JiltedHill and man, could she take down the Covenant.”

IntuitiveSloth33 is not the first to come forward with stories, anecdotes suggesting the Secretary of State might be as interested in Advanced Warfare as she is in political battles. Rumors have it she has ditched the Xbox platform since her Halo years and now plays exclusively on a shiny new PlayStation 4.

And first person shooters aren’t her only stomping ground. A young female World of Warcraft player who shared only the name of her character, Tamblynn, believes she is in a guild with Hillary, who regularly logs into Azeroth for raid events.

“She plays a Kaldorei Priest named Yrallih,” Tamblynn claimed over Teamspeak. “Not the healing kind, though. Shadow Priest. You know, all darkness and soul-sucking. She’s really good at the soul-sucking.”

Other tales claim Hillary is a regular at a number of airport arcades around the country. A recent study revealed the initials HRC topping the high score lists of dozens of classic video games across the country, from Pac Man in Seattle to Missile Command in Miami. Each city matches a stop on Clinton’s travel itinerary.

HRC. Could it be Hillary Rodham Clinton?

While the current Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama, claims he hasn’t played a video game since Pong, the idea of digital gaming in the White House was explored in Netflix’s House of Cards. Fictitious President Frank Underwood, who is presented as far more Clintonesque than Obama-like, is an avid player of the Call of Duty series of games.

Some believe Kevin Spacey’s representation of a digital-friendly president could pave the way for society to accept a gamer into a role usually reserved for more staunch, reserved figures.

So the question is, “When will Hillary come out of the proverbial closet and embrace her gamer self?”

Only she knows the answer, but it’s likely whenever she finds it politically advantageous.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.