Dead Sea Scrolls Just Extensive Lunch Menu

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Recent research suggests the Dead Sea Scrolls aren’t what we thought them to be, but instead are just an extensive collection of lunch menus.

Langley, British Columbia, Canada – It’s long been believed that the Dead Sea Scrolls contain the secrets to unlocking the most controversial book in history. Their connection to the Bible has been implied due to proximity, both physical and temporal, and some even believe Jesus spent some time among the Essenes, the people who hid the famous writings away.

But recent studies suggest the Dead Sea Scrolls might not be the deep, introspective writings many have long expected.

“I’m a little disappointed,” admitted Dr. William Redding, a researcher at Trinity Western University’s Dead Sea Scrolls Institute. “We put so much stock in what we believed the Scrolls said, only to find out how wrong we were.”

How were they wrong?

“It’s a lunch menu,” Redding continued. “Well… scraps of several lunch menus, as if someone among the Qumran Essenes was a collector.”

As it turns out, each scrap is part of a lunch menu from a different first-century restaurant, bistro, or cafe. One, a Roman joint known as Caesar’s Salad Stop, served largely vegetable plates with boiled eggs and a local equivalent to Parmesan cheese. A cafe called The Jewish Princess served braided callah bread and what amounts to a proto-matzoh ball soup.

“I don’t know what people are complaining about, darling!” said food blogger Antoine Lemonjello. “This is a fabulous find! We now know the particular eating habits of people in the Jordan region, circa first century. You know someone is going to get mega-rich writing a diet based on this stuff, right?”

Maybe, and maybe not. The Vatican, who is in possession of the Dead Sea Scrolls, has a long history of being protective of the Qumran writings, and it doesn’t look like this is going to change any time soon. In fact, even digital images sent to various academic centers are being recalled until researchers at the Holy City can verify their content.

In the meantime, several pirated images have already hit the internet, being transferred through peer-to-peer networks like BitTorrent and over the Deep Web. While few are using the new revelations to discredit current religious beliefs, some are compiling the data to create modern versions of the ancient menus.

“Information is God,” claimed a denizen of the Deep Web known only as Th3 Ch3f. “There’s nothing this information wants more than to make itself freely available to the world. The Pope is doing the world a disservice by keeping this knowledge hidden, and we intend to correct that problem.”

Who does Th3 Ch3f mean by “we”? Restauranonymous, a group of foodie hacktivists known for making public the secret recipes of top-rated chefs, including Mario Batali, Bobby Flay, and Gordon Ramsay.

A representative from The Vatican claims, however, that the Holy See wants nothing less than transparency, and as soon as the images can be verified, they will release them to the public.

The only question now is, will the church make the images public before Restauranonymous sets the information free?

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.