Obama Activates Rainbow Power, Summons Unicorn

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As he left Kingston, Obama offered a farewell surprise, summoning a rainbow and a unicorn for all to see. But was it real, an illusion, or something more?

Kingston, Jamaica – President Obama flew to Jamaica last Thursday, making him the first American president to visit the island nation in over three decades. The reason for the trip? On paper it was pure diplomacy, but upon returning to Air Force One, he turned to offer a spectacular farewell to the people of Kingston.

Raising his hand in the air, he summoned a bright beam of rainbow light. The crowds ooh’d and ahh’d as the scintillating light arced through the sky, but the show was far from over.

“Oh yah, it was somethin’ else, it was!” said Janile Channer, a Kingston-based entrepreneur who witnessed the president’s light show. “At first, I-and-I come to see him go, and then he be brightenin’ the sky with dat American voodoo. Me baby madda was all, lookee there! An’ I look, mon, and there it was! Jesum Peace, me naa jesta’!”

What was “it”?

Debbie Herschell, a zookeeper at the St. Louis Zoo visiting the island on vacation filled in the gaps. “A unicorn. It was a unicorn. Horn, tail, hooves, the whole shebang. I’ve worked in a zoo for fifteen years, and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Obama’s political opponents have long poked fun at the 44th president for the liberal promises he made during his 2008 campaign, claiming he aimed to shower progressive followers with rainbows and unicorns, but even Obama’s most staunch critics couldn’t have predicted the strange Kingston miracle.

Some conservatives were quick to condemn the manifestation as evidence the president is involved in occult activities, claiming the phenomenon was the result of strange magic. Others, like Rand Paul, who is rarely without an opinion, could only give a confused shrug. “I’ve got nothing,” he admitted. “Nothing.”

Meanwhile #Obamacorn trended on Twitter for the entire weekend, as people asked all variety of questions. One tweet asked, “Was it real, or was it the president’s patronus? #Obamacorn #president”.

White House photographer Peter Souza managed to snap an image of the event, but even photographic evidence could not convince skeptics it was a real unicorn.

“It’s not a patronus,” said certified Harry Potter expert and part-time McDonald’s cashier Bertram Mauzer. “A patronus would be silver, with a silver cone of light extending from the president’s wand. Obama didn’t have a wand. He didn’t even have a little pink umbrella, for Pete’s sake!”

What it was, however, remains a mystery, and the White House is keeping silent on the subject.

One man appears to have an idea. When asked about the unicorn, the man – who asked he be known only as Haggard – sipped at his can of Red Bull and replied, “The last one.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.