Strippers Campaign To Put Oprah on Dollar Bill

oprahheader

Washington D.C. area strippers have joined to put America’s most powerful woman on the one dollar bill. You could soon be carrying Oprah in your wallet or purse.

Washington, D.C. – A recent campaign to remove Andrew Jackson from the twenty dollar bill and replace him with someone more influential in American history has gained traction across the U.S. in recent days. The campaign, called “Women on 20s,” seeks to place a historical figure such as Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, or Eleanor Roosevelt on the iconic paper note.

Susan B. Anthony, a leader in both the abolition and suffrage movements, saw a brief period in which her likeness was minted on the one dollar coin from 1979 to 1981, then again in 1999. However, since the one dollar coin is second only to the half dollar as the most under-utilized coin in America, and there were already millions of Eisenhower dollars in circulation, it never took off. Lewis & Clark’s guide, Sacagawea, also had her image imprinted on a brightly-colored one dollar coin which quickly became disused when most of the tokens faded from gold to bronze.

“Gold is first place,” claimed noted coin collector and numismatic psychologist Nick L. Endime. “Bronze is third place. The whole Sacagawea dollar was a big bait-and-switch. People felt as though their government was making fun of the people indigenous to this land.”

The history of American money printed with women’s faces, then, has certainly had its false starts. But this new campaign seems to have gathered a broad base of support. While a few have disregarded the campaign, many men and women across the nation agree it is time we started putting women on more regularly-used bills, and are voicing their opinions at womenon20s.org.

Some, however, believe it is time to remake more of our currency in the image of women. A group out of the nation’s capital going by the name WOMEN is calling for the most powerful woman in America to be put on the one dollar bill. Is it Hillary Clinton? Elizabeth Warren? Sarah Palin? None of the above. WOMEN, which stands for Winfrey On My Earned Notes, is asking for Oprah Winfrey’s face to appear on the one dollar bill.

The group, whose members have asked to remain anonymous, is largely made up of D.C. area strippers and other women in the adult entertainment industry.

“Who has more one dollar bills than anyone else?” asked one dancer who called herself “Candi Cane”. “Strippers, that’s who. The one dollar bill is the bill of female empowerment! And what woman is more empowered – and empowers more other women – than any other?”

“Oprah,” she said as she crossed her arms under tasseled breasts. “That’s who.”

The reasoning used by WOMEN seems oddly circular. Oprah empowers women. Some of these women decide strip tease is the greatest expression of that empowerment. They earn their tips largely in one dollar bills. They ask for Oprah’s face to appear on that bill. Oprah’s popularity grows, empowering her. Oprah empowers women… and, to paraphrase Darth Vader, the circle is complete.

Reaction to WOMEN’s initiative has been mixed. Some laud the idea as revolutionary, but others have decried the notion. Washington resident Arnold Wiltshire said, “George Washington’s face has been on the one dollar bill since the Dead Sea was still just sick. There’s no reason for pulling him off there. Maybe they should pick on someone useless, like Ben Franklin. I mean, that man never did anything worth a hundred bucks.”

While a call to Ms. Winfrey’s office yielded no direct response from the reigning talk show queen, an assistant at the Oprah Winfrey Network tweeted that he overheard her saying, “If they succeed, I’m going to rename it the One Dollar Wilma.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.