More Insane Films Coming on Heels of Sharknado’s Success

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Sharknado was an unexpected smash hit. So what other insane films can we expect from SyFy’s secret Hephaestus creative team?

New York City, New York – SyFy Channel’s Sharknado, a 2013 satirical disaster film about waterspouts that lift sharks out of the Pacific Ocean and into a flooded Los Angeles, has become something of a juggernaut. From the day of its release, it has surprised fans, critics, and even the channel’s executives. But the NBC/Universal-owned network responded quickly, abandoning previous oceanic predator franchises like Sharktopus and Megashark in order to focus on 2014’s Sharknado 2: The Second One and the upcoming (and thus far untitled) Sharknado 3.

The people at SyFy are not the kind to rest on their laurels, however. While Sharknado is temporarily imprinted on the American psyche, the viewing public is fickle, and production heads know they will have to create another hit series soon. Fortunately for them, their creative teams have begun prototyping and storyboarding for a number of other possible franchises.

“We have the formula down,” claimed a source within the super-secret production unit known only as Hephaestus. “All we have to do is apply other animals – dangerous animals – to the formula and BAM! Instant success.”

What kind of dangerous animals are they considering? The Hephaestus source, who calls himself Anvil, gave us a couple to chew on.

“We’re looking at killer bees, squids, polar bears… but the next franchise is tentatively titled Hippopocalypse,” Anvil said.

Hippos?

“On average, maybe a dozen people a year are killed by sharks,” zoologist Marian Brenner said over the phone. “Yet over twenty nine hundred people are killed by hippopotamuses each year. Sharks are a greater mystery, and more frightening because of their alien nature. But hippos are far more deadly.”

A quick Google search confirmed Brenner’s surprising statistics.

In the film, demon-possessed hippos ride a tsunami from the western edge of Africa across the Atlantic Ocean to the beaches of Miami where they wreak havoc until they are confronted by a big game hunter shooting silver bullets from a rifle blessed by the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and a medicine man from Tillamook tribe.

Sort of a Lone Ranger meets Ash Williams.

“After that, we’re considering Kangaphoon, Tsquidnami, The Polar (Bear) Vortex, and Swarmageddon, but the big prize at the end?” Anvil leaned in close and whispered, “Ragnaroktopus.”

He described the last film as an end-times disaster parody, with Cthulhu-esque space octopuses descending on an unsuspecting Earth looking to devour the minds, bodies, and yes, the very souls of humans. They have yet to decide upon a hero, but one idea in particular seems to be rising above the others.

“We’re in talks with Disney and Marvel to see if we can do a Thor crossover,” he admitted with fanatical fervor. “You know, really put the Ragnarok in Ragnaroktopus!”


Editor’s Note: Additional credit for this story’s concept belongs to Mr. Dresden Forsythe, Esquire.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.