Angelina Jolie Removes Skeleton to Avoid Bone Cancer

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Actress Angelina Jolie’s most recent surgery saw the removal of her skeleton in a bid to avoid bone cancer. How did she survive? What replaced her skeleton? Interesting rumors abound.

Los Angeles, California – In recent days the internet has been abuzz with the news of actress Angelina Jolie’s decision to remove her ovaries and fallopian tubes in a bid to prevent ovarian cancer. Some applaud the move, others snicker at it under their breath, calling her a hypochondriac and worse.

But the Maleficent star is not one to let public opinion of her change the course of her own progress. Nor is she one to shy away from public spectacle. After all, she’s been down this path before. In May 2013, Jolie underwent a double mastectomy due to a gene threatening her with an increased chance for breast cancer. The recent ovarian surgery was step two in that process.

Fans, however, noticed something odd about the actress who played Lara Croft in the 2001 cult hit Tomb Raider. when she appeared at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

“Ang has great posture, but does she seem taller now? Straighter? More poised?” super-fan Margo Witwhistle posted on Twitter, punctuating her question with #brangelina.

“@Witwhistle – Like she’s got a brand new frame,” another Twitter user, Stan Metcalfe replied.

Metcalfe hit the nail on the head.

Angelina, who does not employ a publicist, held an impromptu press event after the KCA, during which she announced a third – and even more surprising – surgery.

“While in the hospital for the most recent leg of my journey, Brad and I decided it was time to make a major leap forward,” she stated to an audience of Hollywood’s kid-friendly actors, producers, and directors. “Due to an increased chance of bone cancer, I underwent a seventy-two hour surgical procedure to remove my skeleton and have it replaced with an artificial one.”

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Wolverina Jolie?

She claims she inherited an abnormal p53 gene. The gene’s normal function is to provide instructions for the body to produce proteins that stop tumor growth.

“With a two percent rise in the probability of getting bone cancer, I felt as if there was a gun to my head,” Jolie said to the confused audience.

While a number of rumors concerning the nature of the actress’s new skeleton circulate, most agree it was probably an expensive 3D print job. More interesting, however, is the scuttlebutt persisting in conspiracy circles.

“Adamantium,” declared Alexander Biggs, owner of comic and game store Bigg Time Fun and member of a number of fringe online communities. “There’s no doubt her new skeleton is one hundred percent adamantium.”

As crazy as Biggs sounds, a number of observers agree, including noted kinesthetics expert Roberta Bollinger. “One would imagine after two such surgeries, Jolie would be convalescing for a number of weeks, taking pain killers and eating bon bons in bed. But she doesn’t move as though she’s a woman in severe pain, but rather one who is free of pain for the first time in her life.”

We reached out to geneticist Albert Dublin, a research scientist at Yale. “If what you suggest is true,” he said, “there are a couple explanations. With all the genetic mutations going on in her body – abnormal p53 and BRAC1 – it’s possible Angelina Jolie could be seeing significant activity in her Lin28a gene. This would explain her rapid healing after the addition of an adamantium skeleton.”

Lin28a is the gene that helps embryos grow inside the womb. It is thought to have limited function once a human being is born, but recent studies have suggested it could be activated to perform some miraculous stunts, such as regrowing limbs. If indeed Jolie’s Lin28a gene is abnormally active, it would certainly answer the question of why she seems to have no scar tissue after her skeletonectomy.

This will, of course, only lead to a greater conflict online. Fans and detractors are already filling Twitter and Facebook with support and derision. But with the actress’s new adamantium bones and increased healing factor, only one question truly remains.

When will the claws come out?

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.