Arizona Passes Legalized Discrimination Act

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The Enactment of Arizona’s Right to Preferential Listening, Understanding, and Generalization has been signed into law. Is it just legalized discrimination?

Phoenix, Arizona – Crowds gathered outside the offices of Governor Doug Ducey today as he signed into law a bill some believe could lead to legalized discrimination within a retail or business setting. The crowds, however, were not protesting Ducey’s ratification of the bill, known as the Enactment of Arizona’s Right to Preferential Listening, Understanding, and Generalization. Instead, its merits were lauded by attendees.

“This is the whole point of liberty,” said Tim Biggerstaff, a contractor who works in the East Valley. “The right to choose not to associate with people who just aren’t like you. Especially people who pay attention to foreigners.”

Arizona has a long history on the subject of international relations, specifically concerning Mexico and the problem of undocumented immigrants, and there have been numerous scuffles between the Grand Canyon State and its neighbor to the south. But EARPLUG was not written as another attempt by the state to quell the numbers of illegal aliens crossing its borders.

“It’s time we took a stand,” Governor Ducey said as he penned his signature. “Too long have we been subject to the words and whims of foreign peoples – distant peoples! – and it’s time it stopped. With our EARPLUG firmly in place, you are free to tell fans of Nickelback, Justin Bieber, and Celine Dion their business is no longer welcome!”

Indeed, many Canadian musicians have scant numbers of fans in Arizona as it is, and EARPLUG is the state’s way of telling those remaining that it’s time for new and better preferences in music. Business owners are being given free reign to deny services to anyone listening to the music of artists from the Frozen North, or those who wear those musicians’ concert shirts.

There are some artists, however, who have a larger following, and their fans are in a panic. The Arizona-Canada Musician Empowerment (ACME) Group has hired a legal firm to draft a request for exemptions from EARPLUG, citing the popularity of Alanis Morissette among the Gen X crowd and greats like Neil Young and Paul Shaffer with the more geriatric set.

“We’ve made some progress,” claims ACME spokesperson Arda Herring. “The Ducey administration has been open to our ideas and we hope to work hand in hand to allow talented musicians a voice here in our great state while allowing business owners the right to choose to reject those truly worthy of scorn.”

Some musicians hailing from our northern neighbor are geniuses, after all. Who could discriminate against people who appreciate the dulcet vocals of Gordon Lightfoot or the relevancy and masterful artistry forged into every Drake song?

Genius, indeed.

But some people believe EARPLUG goes too far. Gunther LaCrosse, a Canadian immigrant who moved to Arizona in the mid-1990s, believes discrimination based on musical taste is the beginning of a slippery slope that will lead the state down dark paths.

“It’s not like I listen to that drek, but what are we going to say next, eh?” LaCrosse asked during a recent interview. “Maybe poutine is bad for you? Or we can’t play basketball – a sport invented by a Canadian? Or what about another Canadian innovation, the trackball, eh?”

He reconsidered that last question. “Nevermind. Nobody uses trackballs anyway.”


Editor’s Note: Additional credit for this story’s concept belongs to Mr. Dresden Forsythe, Esquire.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.