FUGGEDABOUDIT Prelude: The Twelve Days of Business – A Fambly Song

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Columnist and resident goomba Joey the Finch shares a song he wrote commemorating his life as a made man. Feel free to sing it out loud at the office!

Hello and salutations and other kinds of greetings!

Seems I wrote a song called “The Twelve Days of Business”, and persuaded my dear associate Mr. Hawk to put it up on his internet website. I ain’t got the music to go along with it, but you smart guys can probably find the music for “The Twelve Days of Christmas” on the Youse-Tubes and sing it on your lonesome. It’s a story, is all, about my life as a made man. Enjoy. Bon appétit and all that.

Maybe you don’t know what the words in the song mean. Fuggedaboudit! I’ve tacked a glossary onto the end for your edification and enlightenment.

The Twelve Days of Business

 On the first day of Business my capo gave to me… a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the second day of Business my capo gave to me… two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the third day of Business my capo gave to me… three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the fourth day of Business my capo gave to me… four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the fifth day of Business my capo gave to me… five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the sixth day of Business my capo gave to me… six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the seventh day of Business my capo gave to me… seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the eighth day of Business my capo gave to me… eight bought officials, seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the ninth day of Business my capo gave to me… nine shady dealings, eight bought officials, seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the tenth day of Business my capo gave to me… ten RICO agents, nine shady dealings, eight bought officials, seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the eleventh day of Business my capo gave to me… eleven shakedowns, ten RICO agents, nine shady dealings, eight bought officials, seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

On the twelfth day of Business my capo gave to me… twelve to life in prison, eleven shakedowns, ten RICO agents, nine shady dealings, eight bought officials, seven called-in markers, six consiglieres, five deals I couldn’t refuse, four Tommy guns, three pinched rats, two button men, and a bowl full of fettuccine.

Glossary of Terms
  • button men – Button men are the soldiers of the Fambly. They ain’t made men – wiseguys – but they’re trustworthy, loyal, and all that stuff Boy Scouts are supposed to be. Only, you know, boy scouts who’ll whack a guy if told to do so.
  • capo – This guy’s the boss. Not the big boss, though, that’s the don. A capo is like a captain or lieutenant, usually with a handful of wiseguys and button men under his supervision. It’s also the name of a little doohickey placed on the neck of a guitar to shorten the playable length of the strings. Just don’t call a real capo a doohickey, or you might end up with a pair of cement shoes.
  • consigliere – The consigliere is sort of the boss’s right hand man. Think of him as a mediator, a channel for information between soldiers and their leader. Also, say it, just once. Go on. Wrong! Ain’t nobody gets it right the first time. It’s “con-silly-AIR-ee”. Just don’t go calling them silly, capisce?
  • fettuccine – Oh, come on. You can buy fettuccine in any grocery store or market, so don’t you go pretending you got no idea what it is. It’s like spaghetti, but wider and flatter, like the hips of a secretary after too many years in an office chair.
  • marker – A marker is a notation of debt. Like say you owe me for a favor I did for you. That’s a marker. I know you owe me, you know you owe me, so when I get hold of you and ask you to do me a favor, I’m calling in the marker. Get it?
  • pinch – Someone who’s been pinched has been arrested or otherwise detained by the coppers. Being pinched don’t mean you go all stool pigeon; you just keep your lip zipped and the Fambly will take good care of you and yours. Fuggedaboudit.
  • rat – A rat is a stool pigeon, someone who provides information about our association to law enforcement officials. It’s also the act of providing said information. And just a side note, why are the rats always the skinny little fuggers with big noses? I mean, these guys look like rats. Weird coincidence or what?
  • RICO – Once there was a Golden Age, a time when we could run all the business we needed in any way we could imagine. Then came RICO, the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. Basically RICO says guys in an association get more time up the river for doing things outside the realm of legitimate business endeavors. Sounds like discrimination to me!
  • shakedown – As much as this sounds like some kind of dance teenagers might have done in the seventies, that ain’t what it is. A shakedown is when you use your charming personality laced with hints of violence in order to extract financial and other resources from people or businesses. We also call it “Askin’ real nice-like.”
  • Tommy gun – The classic gun of the Hollywood mobster, the Tommy gun ain’t been used by anyone in the Fambly since what, the forties or so. Still, it’s part of the image ingrained in the minds of the American public, so I had to include it in the song.

 


Joey the Finch

We don’t know much about Joey the Finch. He claims to have some connection to Cosa Nostra, but we’re betting it’s more like Costco. Wearing his straw fedora and polo, he looks like he belongs on The Sopranos relaxing in front of a sixty inch screen watching The Godfather, Part II while six mini-goombas run helter-skelter around his place.


Still, one cannot deny the knowledge he seems to have about the inner workings of what he calls “The Fambly”. So maybe he is a made man, a wiseguy, or maybe he’s making it all up like some gangster noir pulp novel. Either way, he made us an offer we couldn’t refuse, so he got the job.


Joey the Finch

We don’t know much about Joey the Finch. He claims to have some connection to Cosa Nostra, but we’re betting it’s more like Costco. Wearing his straw fedora and polo, he looks like he belongs on The Sopranos relaxing in front of a sixty inch screen watching The Godfather, Part II while six mini-goombas run helter-skelter around his place.

Still, one cannot deny the knowledge he seems to have about the inner workings of what he calls “The Fambly”. So maybe he is a made man, a wiseguy, or maybe he’s making it all up like some gangster noir pulp novel. Either way, he made us an offer we couldn’t refuse, so he got the job.