Active Math Lab Found in Walmart Restroom

active math lab

Active math lab found in Muncie Walmart restroom could be tied to geek graffiti popping up around the small city. Is math a danger to our children?

Muncie, Indiana – One would expect a Walmart restroom to be clean and quiet, a bastion of solace for those with a full bladder or the need to void their bowels. A recent discovery in a Walmart Supercenter in Muncie, Indiana might just disabuse you of that notion.

Employees called police at 11:30 p.m. when a janitor discovered a suspicious backpack in the men’s restroom. Officers arrived and expressed severe dismay over the contents of the Jannsport pack. Further investigation revealed a whiteboard, three dry-erase markers, and a sheaf of paper, college ruled on one side, quarter-inch graph on the other. From there, they began to reconstruct the situation.

“The suspects were gathering here during late hours,” said Lieutenant Mark DePaul at a press conference the following afternoon. “Sometimes just one or two at a time, but occasionally as many as five or six young men, all college age.”

The contents of the backpack? Two college algebra textbooks and one workbook from a consumer economics class. An active math lab.

“This active math lab isn’t the first we’ve seen,” DePaul continued. “In fact, the commissioner is considering organizing a task force to fight the sudden increase of students meeting in public places to study theorems and other mathematical concepts.”

Officials fear the rising interest in mathematics could lead to further topics of research, such as chemistry, biology, or engineering.

No suspects have been identified as of yet, but Walmart security cameras did capture the image of a thin, nonathletic male with short brown hair and horn-rimmed glasses. The young man, who can be seen carrying the math lab backpack in the video, is currently being sought for questioning.

active math lab

A boy attempts to figure out an equation left as graffiti on a wall in Muncie.

Police believe the suspects involved in the math lab may also be those who have been defacing downtown walls with equation-based graffiti.

“The equations in question are similar to those found on the whiteboard in the Walmart restroom,” claimed DePaul. “After all, they both have letters and numbers and other mathematical mumbo jumbo.”

Some citizens of Muncie are speaking out against the upcoming police crackdown, claiming children only turn to math when there are no other reasonable alternatives.

“If we offered more poetry readings or maybe encouraged people to play chess or checkers in the park,” said lifelong resident Shelly Cole, “maybe math wouldn’t be such an attractive option.” Cole, a septuagenarian with strong community ties, believes offering “youngsters” more options would go a long way.

“We could even have hip-hoppers and be-boppers and rock bands play concerts. Kids like concerts more than math, right?”

DePaul fears there might be a larger problem looming on the horizon.

“Math can be addicting, and the City of Muncie is concerned about the next generation,” the lieutenant said during the Q&A after the announcement. “As such, we are preparing a city-wide ban on clothing bearing any kind of mathematical symbol.” To take things a step further, the MPD has coordinated with local elementary schools to create a series of fun and informative videos on the dangers of math.

But one local crusader, disgraced radical college math professor Hanson Scalar, is standing up to what he claims is just another form of governmental tyranny. Scalar, who many consider a dangerous conspiracy theorist, believes the government secretly wants to dumb today’s kids down so they lack the skill set to fight for themselves on an intellectual level in the future.

“Just think about it,” the professor said as he pointed out a virtually unreadable equation on his whiteboard. “If kids grow up unable to make any sense of this, how are they going to make sense of politics?”

“How are they going to know anything at all if they can’t put two and two together?”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.