The Horoscope Rises: Worst Horoscope Ever #1

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Even if you believe astrology is bunk, it’s just fun to find out what the psychic has to say. Find out what’s on Andomeda’s mind when the horoscope rises!

Welcome, my lovelies, both true believers and those who are of more mundane sensibilities! I am Mistress Andromeda Kiskadee, and this is my weekly column wherein I plumb the depths of astrological knowledge to seek out answers for your life. Doubt my abilities if you will, but be assured you will come away from this reading a changed soul!

And now, with no further ado… the horoscope rises!

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Janucorn

I recommend you watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and its sequel, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. They are excellent movies, and what else will you have to do anyway after two rough men with rougher hands grasping baseball bats mistake you for a person in their debt and shatter both your femurs? Drink lots of water, but not enough to make you wet yourself when you cannot make it to the facilities.

Februarius

Somewhere between the bowling alley and home your wallet vanished. Let it go; it is gone. Likewise with your identity, since you were fool enough to carry your social security card, driver’s license, and birth certificate all in the same spot. Bask in the freedom of not having to be you any longer, and rebuild your life from the ground up. You’ll have to, as your credit score will be under two hundred by this time next week.

Marco

It’s time to make that journey to Nepal, just as you have always dreamed. The time is right, since the IRS is presently auditing your taxes for the last seven years, and you know what you did. Watch out for the Tibetan Mastiffs; one of them is watching out for you, as a little birdy told him you taste something akin to a snowshoe rabbit. (You don’t, of course, but there’s a hint of kangaroo in your blood. Perhaps you shouldn’t have eaten at McDonald’s.)

Polo

Be careful to make no left turns today. (I issued Dale Earnhardt the same warning back in 2001, and look what happened when he did not heed me!) Remember that three rights make a left, but two wrongs will just get you in more trouble! Not that you are in much trouble, but the police did happen upon the stash you keep under the old oak in the vacant lot on the corner. Oh, that isn’t your stash? Well, well… someone is setting you up!

Maypolus

Everyone says you are a bright and rising star, but they are bald-faced liars. They misled you when they said you would receive a promotion and pay increase, and again when they told you to expect a corner office. Even the compliment about your mother’s chocolate chip cookies was utter falsehood! Stay home and sulk, dear, and drown your sorrows in a twelve-pack of A&W Root Beer and a bag of Muddy Buddies. There there, it’ll all be better as soon as you slip into a diabetic coma.

Junini

Respond to the Nigerian Prince who is offering you a large share of his fortune. Oh, it’s a scam, but at the very least you will learn something from the experience. When your computer crashes on Tuesday, you have nobody to blame but yourself and your shameless addiction to fanfic sites of the worst kind. There is good news, though, as the person who purchases the Powerball ticket right after you will win millions! Be happy for someone else for a change.

Julites

Those born under the signs of summer are full of energy and wit. If only you had not gained those extra three hundred sixty pounds by eating thousands of Little Debbie Snack Cakes after your fourth divorce. You’re beautiful on the inside. I mean it with all due sincerity! Have you ever seen a fat cell under a microscope? It’s quite a sight, to be sure! Smell the roses, listen to the birds sing, feel the rain on your skin. Do it now, as a major accident will take away four of your five senses this weekend. The spirits are unclear on which ones.

Augustini

I have nothing to say to you. You know good and well why.

Septembrium

There is nothing amiss with your future. Sadly, the past is catching up, and when it does you will be abducted by a pair of aliens who smell of dog biscuits and boiled eggs and look very much like your ninth grade history teacher – you know, Ms. Whats-Her-Name to whom you wrote a copious amount of anonymous love poems. You needn’t worry about anal probes, as the chances of you still remaining conscious at that stage of testing are infinitesimal.

Octobris

The apples in the fruit basket you will receive tomorrow are infested with worms, but this is the least of your worries (and a reasonable source of protein). Watch out for women wearing berets – especially raspberry ones, the kind you find at a secondhand store – and men with the name Sven. Neither can be trusted. Those little red dots on your chest? It’s not just a bunch of kids playing a terrifying prank with laser pointers shoplifted from the nearby Walmart.

Novembatarius

A vampire will drain you of your blood today, but it’s okay, since she will also be transforming you into one of her thralls. Sure, you’ll be dependent upon the sanguine fluids of humans in order to survive and have a nasty allergic reaction to garlic, but on the bright side– no, wait. The bright side will kill you, burning you to ash. I see a financial opportunity in your future. Look up Coppertone on the stock market and invest, invest, invest. Also, you won’t sparkle, thank all that is good and holy.

Decembrates

Santa saw what you did to that poor old man in the park, and he’s added you to his Naughty List. Seek redemption by delivering five-dollar foot-longs to third shift workers in toll booths. Be sure to bring the proper change. Despite the ambivalence of your Magic 8-Ball now is the time to ask that special someone out. They will say no, of course, but you might as well get it over with, rather than stress about it for the next eight months and miss your chance entirely. She’s dating the kid from the mailroom anyway, the one with size sixteen shoes.

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That is all, my ducks and deers! Be sure to come back next week for more astonishing readings by me, Mistress Andromeda Kiskadee!

the horoscope rises

P.S.: Perhaps next week we will find another creative zodiac to use. Horoscope by sandwich preference, perhaps? Or Briggs-Myer-Brony type?

Andromeda Kiskadee

Andromeda Kiskadee is a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma folded into an old terrycloth robe she pretends is a mystic shroud. Her methods are a bit unorthodox, as she has shuffled off the coil of mundane astrology for a more freeform brand, reading business and baseball cards rather than the tarot type and preferring her own nebulous zodiac.


She is also the owner of antiquities and firearms shop “Bed Knobs & Boomsticks” and deals in supposedly arcane artifacts. Her proudest possession is a pair of sequined red slippers she claims are from the set of The Wizard of Oz. Are they magic? Of course. They drop houses on witches.


Andromeda Kiskadee

Andromeda Kiskadee is a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma folded into an old terrycloth robe she pretends is a mystic shroud. Her methods are a bit unorthodox, as she has shuffled off the coil of mundane astrology for a more freeform brand, reading business and baseball cards rather than the tarot type and preferring her own nebulous zodiac.

She is also the owner of antiquities and firearms shop “Bed Knobs & Boomsticks” and deals in supposedly arcane artifacts. Her proudest possession is a pair of sequined red slippers she claims are from the set of The Wizard of Oz. Are they magic? Of course. They drop houses on witches.

  • Anonymous

    Hah! Marco, Polo.

  • Yes, well… sometimes our dear sweet Andromeda has some… issues. I think this one stems from a swimming pool accident in Arizona. *chuckles*