Chief Diversionist Simon Hawk believes he is going to be in big trouble, as the satirist posts an article on his anniversary.
Wichita, Kansas – A Wichita man believed he would be in the doghouse today after posting this article to a news satire blog on his anniversary, he claims.
Satirist Simon Hawk, Chief Diversionist of the news parody site Knozzle, remained uncertain of his fate when he pressed the Publish button to send the Sunday article to his readers, but so far his wife seems unperturbed.
“She’s not the type to fly off the handle for no reason,” Hawk confessed. “But this is our anniversary, and it’s on a weekend. You’d think she might be a little miffed I was working. Like, maybe I should have planned some kind of romantic vacation instead.”
Simon, who has been married to his wife for an even dozen years, admits he doesn’t really comprehend the way women think, and believes it’s due to a genetic disorder known as the XY Chromosome. In other words, he doesn’t understand the fairer sex because he’s a dude.
“And it’s not just that I’m a dude,” Hawk said when he interviewed himself for the article. “But I’m pretty laid back, sort of like Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, only with a less impressive beard and a bigger gut.”
Worse yet, he hasn’t bought her an anniversary gift.
Fortunately for Simon, his wife (who prefers to be addressed online by the confoundingly lowercase mononym nikkirae) is just about as easygoing as the author himself. While she does enjoy romantic moments, she’s lived with Simon long enough to know how his mind works.
“In the last week, he’s taken me to see a movie, we’ve gone out to eat three times, and he bought me a book, Clive Barker’s Imajica,” she said. “Every woman wants to be romanced at least a little, but people do romance differently. For him, sharing one of his favorite novels is its own kind of romantic.”
Does she pine after traditional romantic gestures? She has a strong distaste for flowers, taking Mr. Hawk off the hook for any FTD orders, and she isn’t a fan of chocolate. Fancy jewelry holds no real fascination for her, either, though she does appreciate charm bracelets and toe rings. What about the traditional gift for the twelfth anniversary? In her own words: “I can’t stand silk. It makes me feel like spiders are crawling all over me.”
Simon remains unconvinced.
“It just doesn’t jive with how guys like me imagine women really think,” he said as he furrowed his brow. “Looks like I’m going to have to do something spur-of-the-moment.”
“Just like last year.”
Author’s Note: Happy 12th Anniversary to my nikkirae, who remains confoundingly uncapitalized in every way.