Vampiric Tornado Sucks Life Force from Rainbow

Vampiric Tornado

In a previously unseen phenomenon, one act of nature sucks the life force out of another. Behold, the vampiric tornado!

Piedmont, Kansas – Residents of the Southeast Kansas hamlet of Piedmont recently bore witness to a strange twist in natures unpredictable violence. As a tornado passed through the hills near their small community, it shifted direction and attacked a nearby rainbow, sucking the color out of it.

“This changes everything we know about tornadoes,” insisted climatologist and weather chaser Gideon James. “And, for that matter, rainbows.”

Up until this point, tornadoes were considered to be mere forces of nature created by a combination of temperature shifts, updrafts, and wind shear. Never before had one been seen to make a purposeful course correction. Scientists are scrambling to verify what actually happened in the Kansas Flint Hills in an attempt to determine whether it was a unique occurrence or indicative of future tornado activity.

Vampiric Tornado

What an air elemental might look like.

“The Piedmont tornado would have been unremarkable if it hadn’t showed aggressive behavior,” James said. “It would have been a normal category F2 whirlwind, hardly even capable of causing damage.”

What could cause a natural phenomenon such as a tornado to become, for lack of a better word, a supernatural one?

Jim Butcher, author of the urban fantasy series The Dresden Files, weighed in over Twitter. “Elementals. What else could it be but elementals?”

While we have been marginally aware of elementals for hundreds – perhaps thousands – of years, very little is known about their nature, as they prefer a solitary existence upon their own plane. Butcher is considered the preeminent expert on these creatures. His series, The Codex Alera, details the behaviors of elementals and their interactions with the descendants of the Legio IX Hispana, the Lost Roman Legion.

Why rainbows? Butcher has a theory.

“Air elementals feed on light,” he said during a recent phone call. “Rainbows aren’t just light refracted through moisture in the air as seen through billions of droplets that work like tiny prisms. They’re also the physical manifestations of light elementals.”

“In other words, the Piedmont tornado is a vampire.”

Rhetoric aside, the question may now be what to do about future elemental appearances. If these creatures really are beginning to cross over into the material plane on a more regular basis, humankind is going to need a game plan. “Unfortunately, most in the scientific community have decided such creatures simply don’t exist,” said cryptozoologist Hans Schneider of the University of Berlin. “This evidence should change their minds.”

Indeed it should, and it has. The U.S. Geological Survey has announced a partnership with the Wildlife Conservation Society in an effort to investigate the Piedmont phenomenon and determine the appropriate response.

Schneider isn’t convinced it’s enough, fearing that increased elemental activity in our world could lead to a serious ecological crisis.

“Hopefully it’s not too little too late,” he intoned. “Or we may end up saying hello to our new elemental overlords.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.