Kentucky Threatens Vote to Secede from Union, Annex KFC

Annex KFC

The State of Kentucky warns it may seek secession once more, this time with a twist. Kentucky lawmakers want to annex KFC.

Frankfort, Kentucky – A conservative-leaning state is once again threatening a vote to secede from the union. Lawmakers in Kentucky have drafted an Ordinance of Secession from the United States of America in a bid to become their own independent nation, the Kentucky Free State. This isn’t the first time Kentucky has beat the secession drum; they were one of twenty states to file petitions to secede after President Obama was reelected in 2012.

But this time things are different.

“We want to maintain diplomatic ties with the United States and the rest of the world,” Governor Steve Beshear said. The most effective way to protect their strategic connection with the American people? Food. “The best way to a nation’s heart is through its belly.”

To that end, the Kentucky Free State is drafting articles of eminent domain in an attempt to annex KFC.

Not just KFC restaurants in Kentucky. No, lawmakers in the bluegrass state are far more ambitious. The plan is to annex the Louisville, Kentucky-based corporation and all its holdings and franchises.

Annex KFC

Concept flag of the Kentucky Free State

“I recognize just how bold a move this is,” Beshear said.  “With nearly nineteen thousand outlets in a hundred and eighteen countries,, we aim to make every KFC worldwide a Kentucky Free Consulate, embassies of the Kentucky Free State.” A bold move, indeed. Under the plan, management teams from each of the 18,875 KFCs around the globe would initially be offered temporary resident status in the KFS and could then work toward permanent citizenship, gaining diplomatic immunity from certain local laws as a result.

While it means the government of the proposed nation-state would take on nearly a hundred thousand new employees, their embassies would be self-sustaining, selling chicken, biscuits, and sides of mashed potatoes and cole slaw just as they always have.

In fact, profits passed upward into Treasury coffers could quickly offset Kentucky’s yearly deficit, making their new nation debt-free in no time at all. Denominations of their currency, tentatively called “scratch” (invoking both an old nickname for the dollar and the marks chickens make in the dirt) will all bear images of Harland Sanders, founder of the original Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Such an aggressive maneuver could encourage other states, specifically those who have considered secession in the past, to forge a path forward, fragmenting the American nation. Mark Squire, attorney with corporate law firm King, Knight, & Squire, believes it would be more difficult to have Illinois, for example, attempt to annex Oak Brook-based McDonald’s.

“There’s a visceral connection between KFC and Kentucky,” he said. “McDonald’s isn’t Illinois Grilled Hamburgers, after all. It’s this blood tie to Kentucky that makes KFC particularly susceptible to annexation.”

Yum! Brands, KFC’s parent corporation, is expected to fight the annexation, but a representative of the company could not be reached for comment.

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist
Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal's Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like "sesquipedalian".

Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle. When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal's Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like "sesquipedalian".