A CHILD in Every Home

A CHILD in Every Home

Silicon Valley start-up Progenic Trends, leader in localized artificial intelligence, seeks to put a CHILD in every home.

Silicon Valley, California – Hollywood has long offered the American public shows starring young androids, robots, and other artificial children. Movies such as DARYL and AI as well as shows like 80s sitcom Small Wonder portray these child constructs as lovable but flawed replications of their living counterparts, each with a spark of humanity endearing them to other characters on their respective shows as well as their audience.

Progenic Trends, Inc., a Silicon Valley start-up specializing in localized artificial intelligence, is poised to make those children a reality.

“We project a CHILD in every home, with every parent who wants one, by 2025,” claimed Daniel Baker, public relations rep for the company.

A CHILD in Every Home

A beta CHILD unit with its foster siblings.

But just what is a CHILD?

“It’s a custom human imitation,” said Baker. “A lifelike droid.” In fact, that is what the acronym stands for: Custom Human Imitation and Lifelike Droid.

Prototype models have been shipped to families and single parents alike for the final round of beta testing, and initial reports are encouraging. Ninety eight percent of testers have provided positive feedback, supporting Progenic Trends’ claims that their androids might eventually take the place of living children in homes where parents have lost young ones, cannot bear children, or are experiencing empty nest syndrome.

Production units will come in both male and female models, built to mimic the appearance of children ranging from ages five to twelve, and will feature customization to the smallest detail, allowing clients to design the CHILD that’s right for them.

“The market potential is immense,” Baker admits. “But we’re more interested in the function of future CHILD implementations.”

Indeed, the possibilities are staggering. The company’s long-term goals include replacing seeing eye dogs with companion CHILD models for the blind, a play date service, age-appropriate assistants for special needs teachers, and even factory workers for large electronics manufacturers in China.

“Several senators have asked about creating a Congressional Page model, and we’re open to that,” Baker said, “but when the Vatican reached out to us, we had to give them an unconditional no.”

A CHILD in Every Home

Progenic Trends Company Logo

But what about the two percent of testers who have yet to give their seal of approval? There have been dark rumors surrounding certain bugs within a small number of CHILD units. A family of four recently disappeared from their Kansas home, last seen being driven away in their RV with their CHILD at the wheel. A rural Oregon woman has turned up multiple times wandering the streets of Portland with no recollection of how she got there. The only clue? A red first-degree burn on her wrist in the shape of a small hand.

“Darnell and Kimi Ataro are on a private family vacation,” Baker said in defense of their product. “And Miss Mannaseh has a history of problems with her memory. That’s why she was one of the first to get a companion test model.”

Production begins in May, with a release date just before Christmas.

 

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.