Secret Apple Watch – The Ultimate Timepiece

Top Apple Watch

There’s a secret bespoke model of the Apple Watch designed for the ultra-wealthy, and it has is a feature nobody expected: time travel.

Cupertino, California – Apple CEO Tim Cook went on stage at a recent event to announce the release date of the Apple Watch. The device, Apple’s first foray into the smartwatch world, has been hotly anticipated by the white-collar and no-collar sets alike and is widely expected to be the definitive standard in wearable technology.

Especially for those with deep pockets. Apple’s high-end timepiece, the Apple Watch Edition, will set you back over ten thousand dollars.

Top Apple Watch

What a TARDIS might look like.

Executives and celebrities are clamoring to shell out the ten large – enough to feed thirty children for a full year through organizations like Compassion International – for the rather impressive device. The 18k gold watch, however, is not the top Apple Watch. The announcement of the secret Apple Watch Chronos Edition was reserved for the ultra-wealthy and ultra-powerful, the one percent of the one percent. The 0.01%.

Besides being forged of platinum mined from meteor rock and sporting chocolate diamond appointments, rumor has it the Chronos has a singular hidden feature unavailable on lesser models, an app called “House Call”.  Activating the app sends a wireless signal that summons a disguised TARDIS.

The TARDIS, short for Time And Relative Dimension In Space, is the invention of the Gallifreyans, the vehicle of the Time Lords who are able to use their device to travel through both time and space. Thus the name. With the adjustment of a few levers, buttons, knobs, and switches, and the occasional kick to the control console, the TARDIS can take its passengers both anywhere and anywhen.

“Oh, man, would Steve have loved to see this!” Cook is reported to have said in the private session. “Oh, wait… he has!”

Steve Jobs, co-founder and patron saint of Apple, passed away in late 2011. With this new functionality, however, the current Apple executive was able to travel back to the seventies and show the watch to Jobs and his business partner, Steve “Woz” Wozniak.

Top Apple Watch

What Steve Jobs might look like.

“They thought I was insane,” Cook continued. “No wi-fi, no Bluetooth, no internet. I couldn’t prove a single claim I was making about the watch. I might as well have been on Gilligan’s Island.”

The price for the secret Apple Watch Chronos Edition has not yet been announced, but one can assume it’s in the “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it” price range. Even high-powered celebs are grousing about the buy-in. Rapper Kanye West took to Facebook after storming out of the private announcement in disgust.

“Yo, Apple, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you price this the way you want, but Doc Brown’s Delorean is one of the best time machines of all time. One of the best of all time!”

There’s good news for users of lesser models, however. An Apple insider went on record with claims that he was able to sideload the House Call app onto the Sport Edition watch, the aluminium version priced in the more sensible $300 to $400 range. If the lesser watch had the ability to utilize House Call, it could mean open time travel for anyone with a few hundred bucks to spare.

But did it retain its functionality?

“Sort of,” the insider confided. “Instead of a TARDIS shaped like a British police box, though, you get a phone booth with some old dude named Rufus.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.