Rolls-Royce Phantom Serenity – No Power in the Verse Can Stop You

Phantom Serenity

Rolls-Royce introduced the new Phantom Serenity, their next-gen luxury auto for the discerning browncoat.

Glenwood, England – Rolls-Royce Motor Cars, Ltd., manufacturer of some of the finest automobiles in history, may have outdone themselves with the new Rolls-Royce Phantom Serenity.

“It’s really unlike anything else we have ever made,” said Rufus Worthington, a spokesperson for the company. “We’ve truly gone above and beyond for this bespoke carriage.”

Phantom Serenity Steering WheelIndeed they have. While the Phantom, Rolls-Royce’s top of the line model, will without a doubt remain the gold standard among the one percent, the Phantom Serenity takes things up a couple notches. This one of a kind, hand-crafted machine eschews the normal rules of automotive design to take the driver to new heights. Literally.

“We’ve replaced the six point seven liter V12 engine with something amazing,” Worthington claimed. “The Trace Compression Block is the latest in dynamic performance, while maintaining an eye toward efficiency.”

The Trace engine takes advantage of compression coil technology recently developed by Rolls-Royce and it’s partner firm, Allied Motorcraft. The compression coils allow greater stability both on and off the road, as well as integrated power and gravity thrust functionality.

Among the Serenity’s many features, its VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) system is the most anticipated. With the VTOL, Rolls-Royce ushers in the the age of the flying car, which auto enthusiasts have been clamoring after since the 1950s.

Phantom Serenity“We’ve given them a two hundred seventy degree range of motion, allowing for vertical, forward, and reverse thrust,” Worthington said.

The respected automaker went to the same astounding extremes on the Serenity’s interior, as well. Hand-dyed silk from Suzhou, China was shipped to Essex, England, where its smoke green accents were added while it was hand-woven into ten meters of high thread count fabric. Other classic touches include white leather, mahogany trim, ruby and pearl appointments, and plush carpeting.

While critics have yet to denounce the Phantom Serenity for its excesses, some have voiced their concerns over the pay-to-fly nature of the made-to-order automobile, saying the airways should be accessible by everyone, not just the ultra-wealthy. Rolls-Royce has responded with the kind of class expected of the austere manufacturer, claiming to have plans to share the compression coil technology with other automakers, much like green auto pioneer Elon Musk did with the schematics for his Tesla vehicles.

We contacted Volkswagen, who confirmed Rolls’ claim. Their current concept Beetle using compression coil technology is code-named “B-Wing”.

The Phantom Serenity comes with a white silk umbrella for those rainy days out and about and, matching the wood trim, a brown coat for its captain.

 

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.