Rock Paper Scissors LTD Holds Auditions to Replace Lizard and Spock

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Rock Paper Scissors, LTD is holding auditions to replace both Lizard and Spock after the passing of Leonard Nimoy.

Chattanooga, Tennessee – Rock Paper Scissors, Limited, a company specializing in randomization and selection techniques, has announced an open casting call to replace two former partners. With the passing of Leonard Nimoy (Spock), their expanded selection process known as “Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock” has lost two fifths of its functionality.

Rock Paper Scissors

Leonard Nimoy

“Leonard was a good sport,” Rock said at the press conference where the announcement was made. “A solid individual happy to take on the weighty role of Spock for nearly any occasion.”

“He could be a real cut-up, too,” added Scissors, “and he never got too snippy.”

Paper agreed, stating that while he thought the character of Spock was a little flimsy and two-dimensional, Nimoy himself was a decent guy.

The loss of Nimoy, however, seems to have broken up their quintet. “With Spock out of the picture, Lizard became underutilized,” claimed Rock.  “We had to let him go for his own good. He couldn’t live up to his potential with us, not without the ability to poison Spock.”

“And we gave him a great severance package,” chimed in Scissors. “Cut him a check with plenty of zeroes.”

While Lizard has since found work as the spokescreature for an insurance company, when asked his opinion, he launched into a tirade about RPS, Ltd. and their decision to lay him off.

Rock Paper Scissors

Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock World Champion

“I don’t care about the severance package, I just care about a good job!” he shouted, and he makes a good point.  It doesn’t have to be Spock. Lizard could poison any alien. Any alien could smash Scissors. Paper could disprove any alien. Any alien could vaporize Rock.

“Why can’t they get that?” Lizard asked as he leaned his chair back against the wall. “Just hire any one of the freaks from the Star Wars cantina scene. Geez Louise!”

But Rock Paper Scissors, Limited claims to have done their due diligence before serving Lizard his pink slip, even going so far as to contact the agent of Zachary Quinto, the actor currently playing Spock, about taking over for Nimoy.

Unfortunately, Quinto has been too busy shooting episodes of NBC’s The Slap to respond.

What is the future of Rock Paper Scissors, Limited?

“We’ve had some hardcore ideas, but we haven’t settled on anything substantial yet,” Rock said. “Paper is making a list of possibilities, but some of the suggestions – like Rock Paper Scissors Kitten Chainsaw – lack the subtle panache our clients deserve.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.