Not the Same Old Bullshit

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In the rush toward green, sustainable fuel sources, Texas turns to one of its greatest resources: bullshit.

Austin, Texas – With New York leading the charge into the realm of solar power, states across the union are scrambling for their own piece of the new energy movement. While the majority of fuel energy is still derived from traditional sources – coal, natural gas, hydroelectric generators, nuclear reactors, and hamster wheels – there is still a wide array of options for the green-conscious government. Kansas, for instance, has seen a rapid increase in the number of wind farms springing up across its rolling hills.

Two states south, Texas is heading a different direction. Reverse. Their energy source? Bullshit.

“We have more bullshit than any two other states combined,” said Senator Ted Cruz, citing a fact that has not escaped the notice of many Americans.

Not the Same Old Bullshit -

A bovine resident of Texas

While many states can claim to be home to more bovines per capita than Texas, no two single states can match the 10.9 million cows, bulls, steers, and calves currently residing in The Lone Star State.

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” Cruz continued. “Even the amount of bullshit we generate.” With nearly eleven million bovines within Texas borders, the numbers round out to almost 130 million tons of cow patties per year, more than the weight of five thousand school buses loaded with obese American children.

Drew Darby, State Representative and Chair of the House Energy Resources Committee agreed, saying, “We’ve been talking bullshit for years, but we haven’t actually done anything. It’s about time our bullshit counted for something.”

Investors from a variety of backgrounds have jumped on the bandwagon, forming the Concho River Action Project. The Project, headquartered in the unassuming city of San Angelo, aims to seek out potential problems and pitfalls with Texas’s current plan. CRAP CEO Colin Klotter, likens the current situation to a game of Texas Hold ‘Em.

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A royal flush!

“Imagine the flop is a ten, a jack, and a king, all hearts. Now, you’ve got a two and the ace of hearts, so you’re hopeful. He drops a deuce giving you a pair, but you hold on in hopes of a better hand. In the river he drops that queen of hearts. Your ace in the hole means there ain’t nobody beatin’ you.” Clotter seems satisfied with the analogy, adding, “Texas doesn’t just deserve a flush, it deserves a royal flush.”

Extracting fuel from animal waste is a simple process. The feces is gathered and placed in composting tanks, where it is allowed to decompose. Decaying waste product emits methane, which is then gathered, compressed, and stored in tanks to be delivered to the consumer. While the process has yet to be perfected, it shows great promise, offering a renewable resource as well as an opportunity to reduce methane emissions into the open air.

District representatives from both sides have opted to embrace the CRAP agenda with a spirit of bipartisanship. Roberto R. Alonzo, a Democrat from the 104th District in Dallas, volunteered for the committee slated to draft the Project’s plan into policy. “Progressives have known for a long time just how much bullshit we live with here in conservative Texas,” Alonzo said. “We’re taking advantage of a rare opportunity to work hand-in-hand with Republicans to lay the bricks to build a better future.”

Some residents, however, complain the concept just plain stinks. Betsy Hoggendroppenz, a single mother and factory worker in Fort Worth is one of them.

“It’s just a bunch of bullshit,” she claims. “We need to dump our bullshit and find something that really works.”

 

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.