Han Solo Injured in Take-Off Mishap

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Han Solo crashed his light cargo freighter yesterday after a take-off mishap prevented him from breaking out of Naboo’s gravitational field.

Theed, Naboo – Alleged smuggler Han Solo crashed his light cargo freighter yesterday shortly after a take-off mishap prevented him from breaking out of Naboo’s gravitational field. With his engines failing, Solo brought the ship down on a gulliball course. Only the pilot was injured.

Solo reported the engine failure within moments of leaving the starport and requested emergency landing clearance, according to his recorded conversation with the control tower. The docking bays, however, proved too far away, and he was forced to make a crash landing on the approach to the seventh gullizone.

eldersolo“Han was flying the Millennium Falcon, a ship he stole from me in a rigged game of Sabacc,” said the pilot’s long-time friend Lando Calrissian. “She’s a beautiful machine, a vintage YT-1300 with all the right modifications, but an aged girl like her is going to have trouble now and then. Solo had no other choice but to make an emergency landing, which he did safely.”

Regarding the damage to the ship, Calrissian chuckled. “He put a few scratches on her. If she were still my baby, I’d have to hand him over to the Hutts for that.”

Customs officials have not yet had a chance to check the Falcon’s cargo bay, as Solo’s co-pilot and sidekick Chewbacca seemed disinclined to allow them on board. None have shown any interest in challenging the infamous Wookiee, who purportedly tears people’s arms from their sockets when he does not get his way. Naboo Transport Safety Bureau officer Dunda Bock has gone on record as being certain there really isn’t any illegal contraband on the ship, anyway.

A gungan shaman who was playing gulliball on the course at the time assisted Solo from the wreckage. Solo sustained minor bruising and a contusion to the forehead, prompting the shaman to perform a ritual of healing over the aged scoundrel and former Rebel Alliance general. Han was quoted as saying, “Ancient chanting and hokey religions are no match for a good stimpack by your side.”

“Hee’sa gonna be oh-be-kay, yessuh!” the shaman announced. “It wassa bombad crashes, yessuh it wassuh, but hee’sa gonna be oh-be-kay.”

Simon Hawk
Chief Diversionist

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.


When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.


Simon Hawk

Simon Hawk is a thinker, writer, satirist, and full-time oddball. As Chief Diversionist of Knozzle, his job is to write, baby, write with the intention of making his audience think and laugh. Or at least chuckle.

When not hunched over his computer, he spends his time on a balcony overlooking the Arkansas River (pronounced ar-KAN-zas, people!) playing Death Metal’s Greatest Hits on his diamond-studded kazoo. He sometimes pretends to know the meaning of life, but mostly just knows the meaning of obscure words like “sesquipedalian”.